Thursday, August 5, 2010

to someone that deserves this...

these words are for those who were called friends... i've been keeping these feelings inside me, and it fetids me. i've become scared of the word friends. REAL FRIENDS. i've become scared of shaking hands with somebody new, just because i once did it with you. do you still remember? or have you forgotten?

i've known you for quite sometimes now. but i couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with us. u made me laugh, u made me smile and u made me be me. for better or for worse, u were there,saying that u would give your hand to me so that i won' t fall. even if i would fall to the ground-with your gentle smile you said that you'd helped me on my own two feet. when i was trembling, trying to walk again, you steadied me and walked besides me. i thought that was for real.

i thought you and i would never be apart. together, we tried to get by . we tried to find the leprechaun's gold at the end of a rainbow. together, we walked through the rain with our smile on our faces. how i wished i knew that those smile was nothing but fake. do yo still remember, the times we spent under that shady tree, drinking ice lemon tea and talked just about anything? sometimes we would just lie on our backs, looking at the bluest sky and had nothing in the world to care. we would take a nap on each other's side, and played till it was dusk. i wish i could turn back to those times. because i still want to believe in you.

DO you still remember, when we used to have sleepovers, we would be staying up all night and talked about your prince? how you brighten up at the mention of him. DO you still remember? when you ran into my arms when you found out that your prince already have a princess by his side? how red and puffy your eyes were back then. " be strong," i once said. DO you remember? that moment when something troubles you, i would rushed to you and stayed through all those trouble times? DO you still remember? even at the back of your mind or at the bottom of your heart, i hope there are still rooms for these memories. because i still wanna believe in you.

like a storm that came quietly, you left me hanging here. because you said that we are different now. i was thunder-strucked that tears failed to come out and washed my shock away. only the inclement days in my heart mends those wounds that can never be treated medically. i tried to hate you, but i failed doing so because of the memories of you and me filled my head till it hurts too much to bear. i tried to forget you and get you out of my mind. but i can't either because i treasured you with all my heart. the knife called betrayal which you stabbed deep into my heart wasn't enough to flush those memories we shared away. through the nights how i wished, i really wished, that the we'd never met. that would be easier...

i've closed my doors to everyone that handed me their friendship. i pretend that i was happy and laugh as hard as i could so that everyone wouldn't have to worry about me. i found that it's hard to lend my trust. i find it hard to start a conversation with someone new. so i only listen, becoming a third person. it wasn't so bad after all. i didn't get hurt because i am always on the verge of neither. i've become neither black nor white. i've made a fortress  that barricades me towards the outside world. i've crumbled one to many times, but i managed to built myself up on my own. i stand on own two feet, not wanting to depend myself on other anymore, just like what i did to you.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU ONE THING. i'm happy this way because THERE ARE STILL PEOPLE WHO CARE. people who asked me how i was holding up after you abandon me like a broken toy. after you left, things aren't always BAD. because i'm still living, breathing, and doing everything that i love. in those thunderous storms, i found shelter that keeps me warm and dry till the storm has disperse.

for waking me up from my slumber. 
 for the lesson that i've learnt. 
 for opening my eyes towards a sunnier days. 
 for making my life beautiful once. 
 for getting me hurt.
for everything....