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Saturday, December 25, 2010

chaptre 11

The day was as cold as the night. I was laying my back against the wall at the subway while waiting for the train to arrive. Kazuki had met up with me yesterday, and we talked over about a few things. It seemed that Kazuki was tracking me for years, ever since the day I made myself disappeared. He was about to give up hope, until he saw me that night with you.

The past seemed overflowed within me as I stared emptily at the railway in front of me. The bustling of people swarming this place didn’t seem to affect me. My mind was too preoccupied. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, as it was supposed to calm me down a little. But to no avail. I had brought this upon myself. It is explicable that such day would come forth on my doorstep.

A train had stopped, dropping and picking up passengers. I watched blankly at the rushing passengers who were trying to abort the train. Then my gaze shifted to the saxophone player not far from where I was standing. He was skilled, too bad on his luck that the world did not favor him for a better living. He seemed to love what he was doing, so I guess he didn’t really care about the wealth the saxophone could bring. Just a couple of dough to let him passed the day without getting starved.

As I looked at him, I wished that you were here to hear this tune as well. But of course you wouldn’t come here. I didn’t tell you I was leaving. It was just too painful for me. I was never good at goodbyes. Because I couldn’t bring myself to see that smile you had when you saw me at my apartment. When I saw you smile back then, I felt like there was some dim shadow lying over your face. It made my heart ached to see it there. When I held my chest, it felt tight and it was hard to breathe.

“Something bugging you?” Kazuki was right beside me, eyeing at me curiously. He gave me the drink I asked for. I took it without question and slowly drank it. I still could see that Kazuki was watching me, waiting for my answer.

“Nothing much. Just thinking that I never would’ve thought that I’m gonna go back there.” I smiled weakly. Then I looked at him. “You don’t have to see me off.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I got nothing to do anyway. Your case got close. So I got some free time.”

I chuckled, just to feel the atmosphere. I put a cigarette on my mouth and search for a lighter. Suddenly, Kazuki was offering his. So I took it with gratitude, then he lit his cigarette as well. As I let out the smoke, I looked at my cigarette blankly.

“Where’s that kid from the other day?” apparently, Kazuki was much older than you, though he didn’t seem like it. His attire was a little odd, with a floral shirt inside his long, worn out brown trench coat. He also wore a dark sunglass even though we were indoors. And when he talked, his accent could still be heard.

“Oy, are you even listening?” he was looking at me with his sunglass rested on his lower part of his nose. Kind of like a delinquent?

“Yeah, I hear you.” I breathe in another smoke. “He’s not coming. He didn’t even know I’m leaving.” I prayed that maybe one day, that you could find it in your heart to forgive me for leaving you like this.

“What? I thought you like this kid.” I looked at him. He realized something that shouldn’t be said, even though I knew it was true. “sorry.” He continued to smoke his cigarette.

I shrugged it off. I looked at the wound on his neck. It was barely visible because the cut wasn’t deep enough, though he did complain “I could die!” every time we met. Without realizing it, my hand reached for his neck, tracing the scar. He was taken aback, but didn’t move away my hand, but he did seem a little agitated.

“Does it hurt anymore?”

“No. it’s healed.”

“Sorry. I got carried away.” I let go of his neck.  I looked at my hand. His neck was pretty small, as if a person could break it easily with its bare hands.

“No biggie. Got to threaten him for extra money.” Kazuki gave me a smile with a wink.

I chuckled. Figured you would use it that way, I said it secretly.

“You’re not gonna regret it?” he continued.

I stayed silent for a moment. “It was for the best.”

I heard that my train was approaching. “So I guess this is it.” I looked at Kazuki, offering a handshake. He shook it firm, like a gentleman would. “Till we meet again.”

Kazuki looked at me. Then he grabbed me close and hugged me tight. I was obviously surprised by his action. But I could hear a sniffle or two. So I forgave him for doing so. I ruffled his hair and returned his hug.

“What? We’re getting emo now??” I chuckled. He pushed me away and rubbed his nose. He seemed to amuse me with queer attitude.

“Shouldn’t you be going now?” he cleared his throat. I still smiled at him.  As I headed for the train, I waved at him goodbye.

“Jo!” I stopped. No it couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It must have been my imagination. So I rushed into the train. I was such in a hurry that I bumped into a lady. As I said I was sorry, I quickly entered the train. The door of the train was closing. So I let out a sigh a relief.

I guess it was too soon to be relieved. You yanked that door open and jumped into the train. Seemed that I was right in front of the door, you stumbled on me and we both fell down. You were surprising light, so it was easy to push you aside. You were panting, holding your chest like it hurts too much.

“What the hell you were thinking? You could get hurt.” I grabbed your shirt. Seeing your painful expression, I let you go and let out a sigh. I sat back against the wall of the train, opposite you. “How did you know?”

“A hunch. I tried to look at your house because I was worried. Since you weren’t there, I figured that you would be at the bar. But Mr. Randevou said you quit this morning.” You stopped to catch a breath before you continued on. “I panicked. I thought I wouldn’t see you again.”

You looked at me sincerely. I don’t know what kind of expression I was putting but you looked away. Looking at you like that, I didn’t know how to react. So I just got up and gave you a hand. You were hesitant and looked at worriedly.

“Well, we can’t stay here on the floor, right? And you don’t have anything besides your cloth you’re wearing right now. Not to mention you don’t have a ticket with you.” I lamented out at you. I know that I had a scary face, and this just added to my scariness.

“Sorry.” You looked down, like you always did when you felt remorse. You must felt like an idiot. Well, that’s how I saw you then anyway. But I couldn’t bring myself to be angry for too long. I took a step ahead, standing right in front of you. This reminded me of the first time I tried to touch you.

“Jo?” you were surprised when I threw myself at you. I squeezed so tight, as if I was trying to break you. “Jo, you’re hurting Me.” though you said that, you didn’t let go of me.

“I thought,” I whispered. “I could runaway like I used to. But it was too painful when I thought I won’t see you again.” Tears had build up and I didn’t know how long I could hold it in any longer.

You brought me closer to you with your hug. “I’m crazily in love with you, Jo.”

I remembered that my mama once said that falling in love is not something you think with your head. It’s an urge you can’t help. Don’t find love, let love find you. That’s why it’s called falling in love. Because you don’t force yourself to fall, you just… fall.

“Yeah, me too” I guess love had found me.

2 comments:

Ai-chan said...

its like their roles have chnged. @_@

silentNoise said...

really?? i don't think so though...